your brand new bible

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 16:24:35 GMT

it is nice to have a home again, i've never been so happy to see dust collecting on my family's things.

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 16:10:42 GMT

he is nowhere to be found, but still sits next to me. i think what makes it so hard isn't necessarily the ending, but the remembrance of how it was in the beginning. how did we stray so far? where did all the long drives, little presents, surprise visits, and good sex go? lately it's just been tears and frustration. each kiss feels like we've settled that it has to be the last. we are business like and reserved. i don't like waiting for the end, but it's so hard to forget that it's coming. and soon. i miss him already.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 14:37:41 GMT

Why would I lie to someone i love? Who I know will love me unconditionally, regardless of whether I am perfect or not. This question has been occupying my mind for the majority of last night and this morning. And, after all this contemplative thought, I have yet to find my answer. It seems impulsive, it seems horrible, it seems silly and pointless. I feel like shit, i want to be forgiven. Bleh.

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 17:04:21 GMT

thursday night my house burned down, tis true.

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 15:32:38 GMT

SUMMER! KISSES! OCEANS! LOVERS! SIBLINGS! SUNDRESSES!

Mon, 08 May 2006 20:53:02 GMT

some people are just so unbelievably beautiful <3

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 21:25:27 GMT

eating pussy is exactly how i imagined it.

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 02:51:10 GMT

life is so fucking weird. it shocks me every time something i do or say has an effect on someone other than myself. when i show affection, greed, callousness, vulnerability, wit, or any other cause-and-effect quality. why can't i just turn myself completely inward? i feel like everyone is temporary but myself, everyone is fragile but me. as far as i myself may wander, my mind is inevitably tethered to my ideals. i want everyone to be at least content, to find solace in themselves, to be aware that they are their own best friend. tis the truth.

update?

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 03:19:38 GMT

... husband en route to israel

... successfully completed my first sewing class

... hair is growing out nicely

... waking up at 5 a.m. to go running

... fasting tomorrow!

... enjoying every minute of sunlight

... studying for art history

... "bustin' a jack"

... getting some rest <3

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 00:19:38 GMT

AYO for Yayo is currently my favorite song.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 16:09:40 GMT

new years = pretty fucking sweet!

work at 2, bleh. it feels like a creme brulee / feist kinda morning.

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 03:24:21 GMT

for the first time i stepped outside my door, smoked a red and listened to how quiet it was... and i actually enjoyed the cold! looks like winter has officially started for me.

katie is tranfering to emerson next semester. as much as it bums me out, i am happy for her. i think it will be a good thing in the long run. im a little jealous... i wish i could go with her </3

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 03:54:09 GMT

and now i just regret regretting <333

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 16:30:03 GMT

today is just a really bad day.

for the first time in a long time, i am regretting what i did.

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 18:46:40 GMT

this thanksgiving... i am thankful for alon and his penis and aviator sunglasses and soft isreali/moroccan lips and nice black hair and the beauty mark right below his left eye and for holiday breaks long enough for college students to come home from boston!

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 16:11:53 GMT

...apparently Vine Deloria Jr. died on sunday

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 17:02:24 GMT

bridge!

( close up... )

( ...& right out of the shower )

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 20:30:23 GMT

A MAN WITH SOME BALLS...

is all im really looking for. how pathetic is it that every guy ive met/hung out with during the past couple of months has been a pussy? whats the reasoning for that?

and then i remind myself why i avoided boys for so long.

i need me an isreali husband who goes to school in boston and is coming home for thanksgiving...

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 23:56:19 GMT

the past sequence of days has felt amazing
as the a.m./p.m. pendullum swings me a breeze,
and it taps a perfect tempo for my time.

i can relate to the leaves that get kicked around
by potomac suv's speeding through
suburban strip mall groceries.
and i kinda like the chase.
its kinda quite and great around 10:57
on a weekday morning,
as much as i hate to admit it,
all because i work there.
all because my schools only a mile away.

the cute boys are still cute.
and by "still cute" i mean naive.
simply retarded,
so it seems.

ASS BURGERZZZZZZZ!!!

but i have new jeans and a brand new sweater.
i wish i had a boy to stretch it out!

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 02:06:34 GMT

so on the day of my birthday... an ambulance bell rang every fifteen minutes and someone dressed as the grim reaper came into a class and claimed a student as "dead".

wow.

then at lunch, a totalled car was parked in the bus loop and a firetruck had to cut the roof of the car open to fit "crash victim" students inside.

wtf?

hung out with katie, emma and "boobie" after school. the day was so beautiful and inspiring in itself. these are the kind of after school experiences that will fuel my mind in old age.

plus emma put 19 candles (( + 1 for luck? )) on a cupcake and got me florescent purple daisies covered in glitter, how cute <3

i really want it to be saturday for multiple reasons.

the day tired me out.

major birthday blunt tired me out.

dinner with my family tired me out.

chris and alison are here.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 07:01:28 GMT

so... john fucking jones.

hrm.

lets get married!

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 02:21:41 GMT

summer is coming to a close... and what really have i accomplished? a lot more than i thought, at least thats what i think. hmm. i am trimmer, slightly more enlightened, motivated, refreshed, driven, brushed up on my drawing skills and looking forward to whats in the near future. overly optimistic maybe?

alon just left. hes going to boston on tuesday to try and work out a living situation, but only for a day or two. i am so glad he and i are still friends. i've missed him, for some reason i feel compelled to say that even if the phrase seems unreasonable. we handn't hung out in quite a while till tonight. for some reason i am still trying to prove to him that i am desirable and attractive. that i am something worth getting to be gotten. im just not used to putting up any sort of front with people. if i want someone then i get them, i dont fuck with their heads in order to push the illusion of a chase. i dont feel compelled to trick anyone into thinking i am something or someone to be earned. like im a vip ticket to an inevitable night of the same sour drinking anyways. yes, there are certain things that take time and precision to obtain from me... but i would just rather give someone i care about the tools for the task rather than giggle and watch them navigate aimlessly through the maze and then try to act like i couldnt have helped them along the way. maybe i am more nurturing than i like to admit, i havent been mean in a long time... hm.

i have "cascading bangs" again. auburn red ones, plus my hair is past my shoulders. its fun, ive been wearing shoelaces and headbands a lot. just in case i need to cut off blood circulation to a cut any time soon.

i really need a stable relationship right now. im tired of "playing the field" what to do what to do... no one sounds like anyone special. bleh. bleh. bleh. frustration ensues.

work for the first time in over two weeks tomorrow.

i feel like i should be crying or singing or taking a shower right now. probably the last of the three. spontaneous emotions sure are bastards... but not in a bad way? bleh.

settling on a shower it is.

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 17:41:40 GMT

chicago bitches!!!

things to bring back ::

1.) photos

2.) awesomely awesome birthday gift for gabriella

3.) a chi-town bandana for billy

4.) lots of the niTTy griTTy!

ashley's attempt at nursery rhyming

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 21:08:52 GMT

a grain of salt,
a grain,
a grain.

a notebook filled
with page after page.
a gain of road
my tires have faked.
wishing you well
while still wishing for change.
a grain of salt,
a grain,
a grain.

a brand new sport,
i've learned to play.
a whole new world
that plays the same.
wishing you well
while still wishing for space.
a grain of salt,
a grain,
a grain.

a birthday candle
stuck in a regular cake.
a fickle match
that lights the flame.
wishing you ill
while still hoping you're safe.
a grain of salt,
a grain,
a grain.

an errie sound
that sets the stage.
a crooked cross
that divides my way.
wishing for bullets
and for much better aim.
a grain of salt,
a grain,
a grain.

a grain of salt
tastes dry and lame.
a grain of pepper
is exactly the same.
wishing for senses
given up for Courtesy's sake
a grain of nothing,
takes up space.

BLEH.

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 15:47:27 GMT

so...

last weekend when a mrs. katie kaufmann and i stopped at panera to get some grub, i exchanged numbers with the cute boy who works there whom i had been admiring every time i would stop in to get some grub since i moved to maryland and changed my usual panera.

i think it was the next night that he and i had our first marathon phone conversation that crept itself into the wee cracks that are the intervals of minutes passed on quickly by the second hand of the clock.

AND, i distinctly remember not being able to sleep that night.

so then we talked all week...

which in turn made me lose a lot of sleep.

and then on thursday we decided it would be a good idea if he took the T2 up to potomac village to meet me for some face to face chit chat. so i took a shower, did my hair, makeup, tried to look as cute as humanly possible...

but there was a killer fifteen minute thunderstorm for my ten minute walk. and my jeans got soaked and so did the big fake fur coat i was wearing, even though someone had stopped and given me a navy blue umbrella because it was raining that hard.

so we bought some menthols and walked back to my house.

and kissed for five hours while cuddling in my bed and tickling one another playing pumpkin and welcome to the dollhouse in the background.

he is so amazing.

we already have a List. for the past two days i have been bursting with affection and smiles and happiness and all those truely content feelings that really stick to your ribs when you bother to swallow them whole.

i was supposed to see him last night but hopefully i will see him today instead.